Monday, September 17, 2007

We gave our pram away.

I love to hear birth stories. That was by far and away the most interesting session in the early nurse-supervised-days of our Mother's Group, where we all got to sit round and find out about everyone's different labours and deliveries. (Although, the Baby First Aid session was also fairly memorable; shouting WAKE UP BABY at a rubber baby doll before attempting CPR on it whilst simultaneously praying that I never had to do that to a real child.) Every birth story is so very different, even if you have the same circumstances as someone else, such as emergency caesar or VBAC or whatever. I'm always willing to hear the full blow-by-blow account and will gasp sympathetically at the appropriate moments.

Anyway, this week Fixit and I discovered a similarly fascinating type of story - the Vasectomy Story. I was under the impression that men didn't really discuss their vasectomies. You know the way men all wince in sympathy when you take the family pet to be neutered? As if the mere thought of any pain or damage to the family jewels was too terrible to be considered? This behaviour led me to suppose, mistakenly, that men didn't like to even think about, let alone discuss, assaults on the meat & two veg. Apparently, however, undergoing vasectomy is more on par with childbirth. In that It's Fun To Share!

We've heard about elephantitis. And bruising. Of days and days of pain. (And days and days of whingeing if you hear the wife's version.) Of tear-filled eyes upon first sitting astride the motorbike an entire week afterwards. It's all been very interesting.

Going ...

I therefore feel that I can share with you all the fact that Fixit was Done last Friday. I may as well tell everyone here, it's been a very public vasectomy for the poor man. All the blokes at his work know, as do all my friends, our newsagent and our chiropractor. So far I've held off on telling my Tap Students but I wouldn't put it past me.

Going ...

True to form, Fixit was incredibly stoic and made no fuss at all. I was the one getting all twittery in the lead-up, no doubt making it worse for him by regularly asking him if he was sure he wasn't nervous. I had to restrain myself from giving him reassuring pats on the bollocks. He said once you've seen your bone sticking out of your leg, a simple surgical procedure (even one that involves needles directly into highly sensitive areas) doesn't seem too dramatic. The whole thing took 30 minutes which included paying the bill. The only moment of drama came when Fixit instinctively braced as the first needle approached, whereupon the surgeon said very sternly "Don't kick me! I've got an open needle in my hand and you wouldn't want it going into the wrong place, now, would you?" Fixit said he wondered to himself where on his body could possibly be worse than the area for which it was heading. The only place he could think of was the eyeball.


Gone.

He was advised to make me wait on him hand and foot on Friday night, which pretty much happened. And he told me at about 8pm that what he really felt like was a glass (or 2 or 3) of scotch (sadly we had none), but that was as pathetic as he got. There has been some swelling, nothing scary though. He was a bit slower around the house over the weekend, but still participated willingly in chores such as dish-washing, clothes-washing and yard-clearing, as well as the fun stuff like visits and cafe brunches. There was no need for pain-killers or frozen peas. Sure he drank red wine every night but then so did I.

The worst part of it has been the news that it will take at least 8 weeks before we can really relax about the whole contraception thing. So the night away from the kids, staying in a hotel (his sister's forthcoming wedding) isn't going to be quite as much fun as I'd thought...

27 comments:

  1. Would you believe i have never heard of the jewels being referred to as the meat and two veg?

    Is that a common one?

    It's almost as funny as a fart joke.

    And yeah, who would have thought? about the open discussion thing, Husband's been widely (or wildly) consulting at his work too...

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  2. "Apparently, however, undergoing vasectomy is more on par with childbirth. In that It's Fun To Share!"

    LOL. Who would have thought it? Next guys will be asking each other whether their coveralls make their butts look big.

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  3. You make me laugh so much SG - those photos are an absolute cracker (if a little wistful maybe) - I have never heard of the wedding tackle being referred to as meat and two veg either.
    I know from personal cyberspace experience that you do indeed love a good birth story.
    And I think it has to be said that Fixit has been immaculately brave about the fixit. And well behaved. I would be still hearing about it if J had had it done. Which is why I did the deed instead.
    BTW I am feeling good too. Touch wood.

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  4. Haven't you people ever watched Austin Powers? I'm sure they use meat and two veg in amongst the several thousand euphamisms.

    Congratulations on being a truly fixed Fixit. We usually have a dressed up day for Melbourne Cup and award best dressed filly and stallion. One year, when one of the guys got fixed, we awarded a gelding prize just for him. It amused us for many weeks!

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  5. *smirk* ha ha ha *giggle*...

    sorry, Fixed! um, I mean 'Fixit'...

    SG, you're right about the stories. My hairdresser told me all about his years ago. He had it done in the morning, went straight to work and stood up until the evening. By the time he got home his "nuts were the size of bowling balls and purple". He lay naked on the sofa for the next day with his 2 and 4 yr old daughters checking The Boys every half hour or so and announcing colour/swelling reports!

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  6. Yowza! So he'll be shooting blanks... good work!

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  7. Who'd have thunk it? But I've realised of late that men talk about all sorts of things I never thought they did (like relationships), it's just in a different flow, say like between footy bets. Or it is around here.

    Anyway. Fixit sounds very brave.

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  8. My DH actually WATCHED HIS BEING DONE. This is the man who wasn't entirely sure he wanted to watch me giving birth. Wonders never cease.

    Anyway, speedy healing to Fixit! DH found great comfort in a bag of frozen peas (shelled, obviously) applied to the, er, area in question. Helps with swelling, apparently.

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  9. Pats on the bollocks, you are hysterical.
    My husband and his mates were talking about making a golf weekend out of it (vasectomy first, then golf) but I doubt they'd even last 9 holes (I'm sure there's a dirty joke there somewhere...)
    Hope Mr Fixit is astride his motorbike soon. Oh, I've really got to restrain myself here :-)

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  10. You were so kind to him! I'm amazed at your patience and caring and sense of humor.... and oh yeah, Fixit did good too. I would have been sarcastic... your one little vasectomy is nothing compared to years of menstrual cycles and days of labor... but I'm not cruel. I would have only thought it, not said it!

    I'm with Tracey, Mary.... are you neglecting your cultural education? You need to know these important things.

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  11. LOL best thing to do! My hub's V was a public affair as well since he had it done while I was out of town so I had to arrange transport for him. A package of frozen peas and a couple days later he was good as new.

    After his "check" to make sure the V worked the nurse on the phone said "Mr. W you're free to have unprotected sex" to which he responed "With anyone?" LOL He did get a laugh out of her.

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  12. We say Kit & Kaboodle.
    GOM went off & got knicked, as he called it. He was very casual about it, but in those days it was a full aneasthetic, so he didnt have to 'know' about it. The thing that most shocked me was the black Kaboodles!

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  13. Poor, brave Fixit! Commiserations--he-he!

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  14. Sigh - I KNOW i should probably find Austin Powers hilarious but I CANNOT. To me Mike Meyers has never been able to surpass the hysterical "So I married an Axe Murderer." Now that was funny.

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  15. Updated : We now have bruising.

    In case you wanted to know...

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  16. Ooh, was it sad to see the pram go?? I know I'm going to cry when we no longer have the need for our baby goods :(
    And as for the vastectomy - I don't even have bollocks yet I want to winch and cross my legs when I hear about it! Hubby refuses to consider it so I shall just have to refuse to consider IT for a little while longer ;)

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  17. Your labels just slay me :)

    Hope Fixit is feeling better soon!

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  18. You do realise you should probably have held onto that pram as a collectors item, don't you? It has *four* wheels! That's vintage.

    (And I've definitely heard the meat and two veg before.)

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  19. Lovely post SG. The beginning of a whole new era.

    Just be careful. My best friend had her fourth baby AFTER the husband's vasectomy because he never went back for the check. They just assumed it had worked.

    I still have our pram. Can't quite let it go ... pathetic isn't it?

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  20. Yay for Fixit.

    No doubt when the 8 weeks has passed, you will be going at it like rabbits...or should I say, Melinda and Rob?

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  21. Ha, Ha, Ha, aunty. You are sooooooooooooooo bloody funny. You should have said that they will be *cleaning* like Melinda and Rob ... wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

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  22. Brave man.

    Do give him a pat on the bollocks for me.

    What a big pram you had. I expect you have a whole room spare now.

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  23. ouch!!!! needles - sensitive areas - all kind of squirmy stuff and now bruising ouch - still - not even close to childbirth , sorry fixit!

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  24. I haven't even read the whole post yet but had to rush to comments to say I have been blown away by just how willing guys are to talk about getting the snip. I mean, recommending surgeons, talking about the op, the recovery blah blah blah. Real gossips. It's like it is a badge of honour or something.

    Or maybe it's the promise of unlimited unprotected unbabyproducing sex that makes them all so giddy with delight they just can't stop talking about it.

    Poor deluded poppets.

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  25. Are you serious that the clinic said you had to wait on him hand and foot!! I wont send my hubby there!!! Though I did read your description out to him - he laughed too!!

    I was doing a PE class at a school and had an 8 year old say "That ball nearly got me in my meat and two tea bags!"

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Don't let the cat get your tongue.