In defence of Mothers' Groups.

The other day I flicked through one of those free street mags; I've since thrown it out but from memory I think it was called Melbourne Mother. The magazine was targeted at well-off, middle class families and featured the usual stuff: ads for kids parties, articles on how to feed your toddlers etc. And even while I know that the journalistic content of such a magazine is padding for and subject to the advertisements they're selling within, and as such should not be treated as proper journalism, still I let myself be riled by the lead article.

It was to do with Mothers' Groups.

Now I don't know if you do this overseas, but in Australia the hospital where you give birth sends your details to the nurse at the local Maternal and Child Health Centre, and he or she puts you in a group with other new mothers in the local area. You start by attending a few information sessions (First Aid, settling techniques etc) but after 6 weeks they cut you loose from the MCHC and if you wish you can keep meeting up with each other, as a support network and/or friendship group . And a great many mothers DO choose to keep up the group. It means that new mothers have a chance to forge friendships for themselves and their babies, and is, as far as I'm concerned, a really great idea.

mid 2001; can you pick the baby Climber?

The article was a variation on one I've seen many times in various mother-based literature, and centred on the so-called awfulness of Mothers' Groups. It featured horror stories from anonymous women about how they had to leave their Mother's Groups because of the hideous levels of bitchiness and competitiveness. Look, I'm not saying this never happens. But I am pretty sick of seeing this article dished up as the only story about Mothers' Groups. I think people love to jump on the bandwagon of the bitchy woman, the competitive mother, the persecuted outsider. Personally I would like to see the other side represented occasionally; the story of how your Mothers' Group was an important part of your life as a new mother and an integral part of making you feel part of parenting community. Having a baby can make you feel isolated. A Mothers' Group can help bring you in. Even if you don't like everyone.

I have two beefs with the Awfulness of the Mothers' Group Story. The first is that I think bad experiences in this area probably have a lot more to do with group dynamics as opposed to mother dynamics. I think about the various groups I've been part of (or outside of as the case may be), and struggle to recall a group where everyone got on. I think that in any group, be it work-based, friendship-based or shared-interest-based, there will probably be at least one person at odds with another. Indeed, there will often be a person within a group who becomes the catalyst for bonding the rest of the group, because everyone unites in their dislike of that one person. I'm not saying this is a good thing, and when you are the one everyone dislikes, it's pretty horrible. But I don't think Mothers' Groups are the sole offenders. I've seen stories like the Melbourne Mother's article argue that a Mothers' Group is more likely to bring up bad group behaviour because the only thing you might have in common is that you dispensed your babies at the same time, but really, how is that not true for a group of people who all happen to work at the same cafe or all had the yen to learn a language? (And on the flip-side, being suddenly in charge of a helpless, demanding, non-verbal bundle of baby IS quite unifying when you think about it.)

My second beef is that the breathless recounting of those mean, competitive Mothers' Group stories seem to extinguish the many wonderful experiences that I and many other mothers have had. In my Mothers' Group, we have laughed, cried, complained, comforted, talked about serious and frivolous issues, discussed fashions for big people and small, exchanged recipes, taught each other skills, held each other's children when a toilet break was needed, passed round tips and clothing and toys and books, explored Melbourne's child-friendly attractions and spent many companionable hours over a cup of tea, some sugary nibbles and the cacophony of our children. I've got to know their children and they mine. They are there for me when I need them. And I've needed them. We are a smaller group than in our early days, as members went back to work or moved away or lost interest. That's the way it goes. But I am so glad I have these families in my life. Motherhood would have been a less happy experience for me if I hadn't had my Mothers' Group. And I think those articles should sometimes say stuff like that.