Saturday, March 08, 2008

All By Myself.

For the record, I am an anxious person. I worry about stuff. Every time Fixit goes off on a motorbike jaunt I envisage his death and it's ghastly aftermath. When my relatives fly overseas I picture crashes. Every time I hear about a campus rampage I get twitchy about Climber at his lovely, gentle, peaceful school. It's just the way my brain works. It's why I can't watch any scary movies, ever. The images get burned into my brain and I can't banish them. Has anyone ever seen the chip fryer episode from Season 1 of Spooks? I am still traumatised by that. I won't watch Spooks without Fixit now, he has to be there to tell me when it's safe to open my eyes again.

So although you would think it would be blissful for me to spend a 24-hour period with just me and the too-young-to-be-left-on-his-own-yet kitty, while the boys head to the hills for some Male Bonding and Quality Grandparent Time, you can see how having my sort of brain could interfere with this...

I tell myself to shut up! To relax and enjoy the peace! What a nice break it will be, only needing to look after myself, managing just my meal, playing on the computer as long as I want, watching whatever movie I like, sleeping-in (!!) to my heart's content and only having to answer the the demands of one small hungry kitty.

But then flashes of rogue semi-trailers arrive in my head. As I confessed to Shula during our lovely breakfast blogmeet yesterday, if I lost my 3 boys then I would not be able to go on. And then I would have to work out a way for me not to go on and those ways all sound very unpleasant and messy and scary. You see what a terrible brain I have? But being in Shula's company while my brain was doing nervous twitter stuff was a good thing. She could see the anxiety for what it is, and she neither dismissed it or exacerbated it. We had a very good laugh in fact. Don't mind us a bit of black humour, we don't.

The good news is that now that the first car-trip has been completed in safety (Fixit just rang me) I will be able to relax a bit and enjoy my solitude. I may cycle to the video store for a chick-flick and then whip up fresh pesto for dinner, served with a nice glass of wine. I will definitely take myself out for coffee tomorrow, I may even choose the cinema.

And then I will start to twitch again until they're back home with me, and if you can picture that Dido song about not sleeping till you're home with me playing in the background while you read that last sentence then you're on the same page as me.


  1. I get it. I do it too. Pete calls me if he's going to be even ten minutes late -ever since the time soon after we were married when he arrived home an hour later than planned and I had a hysterical melt-down as soon as he walked in the door. I thought I was an 18 yr old widow.
    Go easy on the wine.

    Oh what the hell - drink the lot and that way at least you'll pass out

  2. "Ditto" she replies while definately not thinking about the daughters impending FLYING trip to ANOTHER COUNTRY with other KIDS to stay with people I DON'T KNOW.
    Exactly how much wine have you got?

  3. Yes but what if you get knocked off your bike. What if the pesto is poisonous. What if a tornado rampages through the cinema and you are in it?

    You see I am a worrier too.

    And now I am worrying about you!!

  4. Oh god I know the chip-fryer episode of Spooks. Loved that show until they showed me they were happy to mutilate innocent spooks.

    Natural born worrier here too. I dropped my daughter off at ballet this morning only to come home and read a story about an abduction of a 9yo outside a school. I had to convince myself KB was okay but worried for 3 hours until I picked her up again... Now that's a bad case.

  5. I don't do the worry thing, but as we have discussed before I can relate to the chip fryer episode of Spooks. Stay away from that.

  6. I get it.
    My husband flies a lot and I used to worry that he would die in a horrible fiery crash or at the hands of terrorists until someone told me that he is statistically more likely to die driving to the airport. Now I worry about that.
    When the boys started school I used to worry that they would be taken from the playground as it seemed so unsecure after the gated safety of kinder.

  7. Oh yes. I am the same way. (Except I like scary movies, go figure.)

    DH wants to take the girl child on a canoe trip someday in the future. I think I'm getting an ulcer over it, and they probably won't even go for another 2-3 years yet! Oy.

  8. Oh, I get it too. I can graphically imagine the worst case scenario for every occasion. And do so, quite contendedly...because my theory is that things never turn out the way you imagine. So, in fact, it's good insurance to imagine things not turning out well, rather than imagining them doing so.

    Did you follow my (somewhat warped)logic?

    Enjoy your weekend.

  9. Goodness. You may share a gene pool with my wife.

    She considers looking for the bleakest possible outcome to be some sort of virtue.


  10. Can you say "separation anxiety"? Yep, I "get it" too - I freak out every time my husband goes on a business trip, and I won't even get into anxiety over my kid.

    Pass the wine and the pesto, would you?

  11. My husband gets it. He rings me everytime he goes away to say goodbye. Not see ya, but goodbye as in a 'this is the end, my only friend the end' kind of farewell.

    I don't get it, I think it is my cup is half full belief, it's all good and everything is going to be ok. I worry, but not in that kind of way. I'm ok with leaving the kids, they have backup, my family is there, I know they're ok.

    Solitude is my friend, I crave it, I actually got a pang of jealousy at the thought of you alone, in a quiet house. (sigh)

    Don't beat yourself up about worrying, or imagining how you would cope in the worst case scenario. Lots of people do it. And black humour, it's the only way to cope. Laughing is better than crying, or rocking in the corner.

    Anytime I fly anything other than QANTAS, my flying phobic (he calls planes pressurised coffins) husband tells me he'll be out looking for a new mummy. That's the way he copes with his worry.

  12. I'm a fretter too. Every time I see MDH off on one of his day trips into the country for work, I capture the moment of his leaving and my hugging him and giving him a kiss, just in case I never get the chance to do it again.

    Even if my cat doesn't come home at the normal time, I fret. I imagine him squashed on the road somewhere, and gradually build myself up into a blind panic until he turns up again.

  13. This big club, of mostly women, all worried at good byes, trips, sereration.
    Now I have Grandchildren to panic about too!

  14. You have just described me perfectly. I don't even watch the news, for fear that some horrific story will lodge itself in my brain and leave me with nightmares and worries - especially if it involves children. Even in high school, when I was a meek little goody-two-shoes, I actually walked out of an English class and refused to go back in because they were watching The Killing Fields movie. Even when the teacher threatened me with failing, I wouldn't budge. No amount of good grades was worth having the image of mass graves and bodies burned into my brain and haunting me....anyway, glad to know it's not just me :P

  15. Well, I'd be worried too, except that I'm usually asleep or playing computer games and forgetting that the child is out in the wild.

    And remember, Stomper, it's in just below the solar plexus, up and TWIST.

    Nice and quick.

  16. I do not watch any thing scary for the very same reason.

    Perhaps this is why I hate to be alone, too much could be happening without my knowledge.

    I hope you got to relax, at least a little.

  17. I get it. I think mine has to do with my inner control freak. If I'm not there and in charge, things might go wrong. And I do the same as Fairlie. I always remember (though I'm sure not accurately) that it seems that everything bad happens when I'm NOT worrying.

  18. I used to love scary movies, and watch WAY too much real crime. I can tell you all sorts of things about all sort of things you don't want to know about. Gory.

    Am a bit peed off your title reminds me of Nicole Kidman, in that movie where she knocks off her dear husband - Matt Dillon I think ?, and then plays this song on a little tape recorder at his funeral.


Don't let the cat get your tongue.