Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Motorbike and Comfortable Couch Ratio

Once upon a time, a family named Fixit moved into a house in Melbourne.

A kind friend asked them if they'd like a second-hand couch for their new house, because their Nan was going into a nursing home and didn't need hers anymore. So the Fixits were delighted and said Yes please. Unfortunately, nobody thought to check if Nan's Couch was comfortable first. Why would you, surely the whole point of a couch is that it is comfortable to sit on?

But whoever designed Nan's Couch was either very short, very stupid or a complete bastard. The couch had a monstrous hump right where a normal adult's neck would rest, which meant that when you sat on it, most of your body reclined on a backwards angle, except for your head and neck which were thrust forward by the stupid hump.

(Not such a huge issue for very short people)

The Fixit family, like many others, did not have huge disposable income so the problem of the uncomfortable couch was often discussed but never solved. They spent their evenings in the Grown-Ups' Room either perched on the lounge arms, lying vertically across it, or on the floor with their backs leaning up against it. Or just on the floor. Sometimes they (and their visitors) tried sitting on it the proper way but that never lasted long. However, the Fixits did reach an understanding that the desired ratio of comfortable couches to motorbikes owned by Mister Fixit would ideally be 1:1.

Time passed. The motorbike to comfortable couch ratio became 2:0.

Another year passed. The ratio blew out to 3:0...
I can reach the handlebars_6927

...and Mister Fixit began to feel horribly guilty, but the time available to him to sort it out became negligible.

Finally after 5 years of sitting on Nan's Couch of Neck-Torture, Fixit managed to sell one bike.

More time passed.

But! a trip to IKEA was planned...

... and eventually the Fixit grown-ups found themselves in affordable furniture heaven. (Strangely though, in all his 40 years of life, Mister Fixit had never really absorbed the complete ramifications of the IKEA do-it-yourself philosophy and became more and more outraged at the lack of *service* therein. And Stompergirl, at first slightly worried that the motorbike money might go back in the wallet, was soothing towards his manly ire, but eventually couldn't stop herself from saying Dude that's the whole point of IKEA and why we can actually afford furniture from here and although the grumbling continued whilst he used his excellently good manly muscles to hoist sofas [and bookshelves and a chestofdrawers, they thought they'd go the whole hog] onto some trolleys, the transaction eventually went through)

The next day, the furniture was delivered, and Stompergirl put in a call to a churchy charity group who advertised that they took unwanted furniture away. She was a little bit unnerved by the what sort of condition is it in? questions from them, especially since her visiting nephew had got ink all over one of the seats, but she put that one at the back when the men rocked up, and the next thing she knew the World's Most Uncomfortable Couch was out of her life forever.
nan's couch goes_7254

And on it's way to put someone else's neck into agonizing contortions but she really can't think about that now.

Fixits on the new couch_7259


  1. Yay! New Couch!

    We have one motorbike (apparently inadequate) and two couches (one that I hate, from Ikea, and one that I love, from my grandparents) don't tell the Bloke that I have to sell my couch to upgrade his bike. There is no relationship between bikes and couches at our house.

    (Word verification "casqua", clearly Rock the Casqua!, a whole new Dance Phenomena)

  2. Oh, the title alone was titillating, having heard references to motorbike and comfy couch ratios before... ...and what a tale you told!

    Gadget had an awful recliner he was so proud of, that had that same ridiculous head bumper thing, and from what he explained, it was because his chair was a special order for TALL people, so that lumpy bit fits comfortably behind their neck, rather than push their chins into their chests. That said, perhaps that couch will find its way to some lanky and long young lads' bachelor pad.

    BTW, Gadget isn't THAT tall, but I think he likes to think he is. Men. !!

  3. Thanks to your "complete bastard" line, my keyboard now has chocolate splattered all over it.
    Must remember not to eat whilst reading blogs in the future.
    Congrats on the new couch. May your arse and neck rest comfortably from now on.

  4. Oh, the handsomeness at your house....

    (I recognize Climber's sweet smile, but is that little tomato really Cherub?? How sweet they both are!)

  5. I hate to ask this, it being an obvious question and all, but do you think the Evil Couch might be part of why Nan had to go in the nursing home?

  6. Very nice indeed.

    It is a little difficult for me to tell, but is it dark blue or dark purple??? Does your purple love extend to couches?

  7. Oh Yeah!! How cool is that! Enjoy!!

  8. I couldn't read - I just had to scroll to see if there was in fact a new couch. there was - fanulous and it looks really comfy - fantastic!
    Did it not come in purple?

  9. Fixit is very manly indeed to put that couch together! (hey, I'm trying to help you get a second couch, and may be some new purple shoes).

  10. It's a black couch. It will look lovely with a couple of purple cushions on it I reckon. You can't get purple ones at Ikea, I checked.

  11. ahhh this is an interesting ... I am sooooo going to use the bike to ratio thingo .... MIC is a bike nutter and I have now and then thought how to make the comparative notion work - nice work girlfriend :)

    and the couch looks fabbo too :) le

  12. I so understand! The happiest day of my life was getting rid of my sister's overstuffed tapestry lounge that she paid an absolute fortune for but had nowhere to put it so I inherited it because it matched my decor and hated every bloody minute of the 5 years I spent on it.

    Phew. Glad I got that out of my system!

  13. New couch! Would you like me to send my kittens round to break it in for you? No charge.

  14. I've sat in one of those hump couches - they are *torture* !!!

    So which couch is it - not the EKTORP then, but it does look like washable covers, yes ?

    you know I love my IKEA couch .. hell, I love IKEA. Comfy, cheap .. although you got delivery ? .. ouch .. that bites..

  15. I was going to comment on the couch but my attention was distracted by the Baby Cherub! OMG! The cheeks! The CHEEKS!!!!!!

  16. Does Bertie Wooster like your new couch?

    See how much Fixit loves it? Look at that happy expression on his face! Or perhaps he is glad to be done with couch shopping/buying?

  17. It took me 16 years of adulthood to get my first comfortable couch (one that was not a futon with peculiar inclines or rescued from the curb.) Congratulations on the new couch!

  18. I'm still living my second-hand couch hell. A gold velvet one that my parents neighbour gave me about 4 years ago. It's little-old-lady looking decorative wooden bits are designed to give anyone a concussion if they move their head even slightly towards the side. It is tiny and fugly and I'm scared that I will have it for 17 years, just like the original owners did.
    By the way.... Cal Bung! Lucky Fixits. Living the dream...
    (Did that dvd work?)

  19. Happy new couch. We got two new sofas (after 20 years of the previous ones) and they arrived (as you may remember) just after the kittens.

    The kittens are still glossy and in perfect condition. This is because the sofas don't scratch them.

    On the other hand...

  20. Purple cushions WILL look stunning set against the black couch. I knew you wouldn't let purple down.

  21. It's very obvious that the torture couch was a plan by Nan's progeny to send her to the nursing home. You are just lucky that you got rid of it before it ruined your life and saw you in a nursing home as well, and the kids CA (couches anonymous). Well Done.

  22. Good news. I'll have to come and inspect it! Is it a two-seater? Does another bike need to get sold? And what is the chest of drawers like?

  23. Nice story telling Stompa, pleasure to read!

  24. Yay for you. We got our first decent couch recently too. Heaven!

  25. I love the idea of a motorbike to couch ratio!

    And like H&B, I'm intrigued to know...what star-trekishly-ikea name does your couch have?

    (word verification: perfl...THAT would make a good name for an Ikea product...)

  26. Ahhh, fantastic. May it bring you many years of comfortable reclining...

  27. That couch is going straight to the tip, you know that, don't you?!!

    This was such a great read Stomper.

  28. I sent mine to the tip.

    I would rather have none at all that take that bastard with me.


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